An Honest Account of the Week's News

I came up with a tough challenge for myself tonight: Writing about the week's happenings, with honesty, no judgments and no self-pity. No wallowing. Then I watched this brave gal's video, which was a great way of putting my trouble's in perspective. Perhaps I don't need to describe the week's perceived injuries.

I am, after all, married to a wonderful man, living in an amazing city, employed by a top company -- and, as I write this, listening to somewhat terrible live saxophone music floating up from the street tunnel below. I'm humbled by my ridiculously lovely circumstances -- when I only take a moment to look around and recognize them.

For a few weeks, I've been wallowing around in a bit of self-pity. Despite my best attempts, I let myself get thrown for a loop by a few events I viewed as happening to me, rather than adventures I participated in -- had a the great freedom to decide to participate in. I let myself become the emotional victim of my circumstances, rather than taking a deep breath, recognizing each situation and, not rolling with it, but embracing and molding it as best I could.

Tonight, after 31 days of self-loathing, self-pity, self-reproach, I'm declaring an end -- at least a temporary one. Come hell or high water, I will find a way, for these next four days, to deal with myself and my emotions in a kind, calm matter. I will take time to breath. I will embrace reality and channel the feelings that often scare me -- confusion, stupidity, guilt. I will now cower, I will not stuff emotions into boxes, I will not freeze up. I will recognize, I will catalog, I will process.

If I make it to Saturday, I get to have one giant ... latte? Ice cream cone? Hike? Who knows, but a fitting reward.

This won't be the only time in my life I have to do this. It's in my nature to sulk -- not to make excuses, it just is -- but I don't want to be controlled by it. My friend Judy's 15 minute pity party seems about apropos of most situations in my life.

It's only through shrinking this sad internal party that I'm going to be able to move away from resultant, sulky, lazy demeanor that's been hovering for a month. Let's get right down to it.